Bittersweet Parenting Moments

So, the 19-year-old, after two years of probably the worst of legal situations, has been accepted into culinary school. He signs his first ever lease on an apartment later today, for a place four states away. Four. States. Away.

It’s taking more effort to not be reduced into a blubbering mess than I’d anticipated. You’d think after the crazy roller coaster that has been the last two years, I’d be better equipped for this. Not the first time he’s spent considerable time away. (Although, this reason is way better than the last two times!) He’s lived in somebody else’s house before. This shouldn’t be this hard… Empty Nest Syndrome sucks. Sucks harder way sooner than anticipated!

It has made my anxiety harder to deal with. When you can tell yourself nothing is going to change, breathing is easier.

I take comfort in the reasons he has chosen culinary school. First, he credits me for his love for cooking. Flattering. When he was young, I had to do a LOT of lying! The kid would not eat anything unless it was chicken. So, everything became chicken. (My reasoning was “everything tastes like chicken” right?) Beef was chicken. Fish was chicken. Vegetables were chicken. I got tired of that really quickly. So, I had him start helping. He helped his Grandma grow a garden. He helped prep all the things I cooked. He was cooking complex meals by himself when he was 11. More than just mac & cheese. He was making casseroles. His favorite was the lemon pepper tilapia and rice. If the Food Network had been a thing then, he’d probably have watched it and auditioned for competitions or shows. The secret was making it all a puzzle that he had to figure out. I took a passion he had for problem solving/math and applied it in the kitchen.

Second, he’s taken discipleship to heart. He agrees with the philosophy of Christians throwing the best parties, along with “where food is, Jesus is there, also.” (Thanks, Kenji!) I love seeing that develop in him! It helps me feel like I wasn’t a total failure as a parent! Yeah, I made mistakes. I’m human. But, I did enough of the good stuff, and I guess that’s important.

Third, he’s considering what will come after culinary school. His degree will help him land a career that will pay for whatever he wants to do next. Whether that be following the completely different path of astrophysics, or starting his own food truck. (The astrophysics thing is a funny story I will cherish from his kindergarten days. He was watching one of my husbands beloved boring science shows and wanted to know who the guy talking was. I read the name and job title to him which raised the question of what exactly that was. He then went to career day at school and while every other child gave the regular doctor/fireman/policeman answers, he popped out astrophysicist. That was one of my favorite calls from school ever! The teacher said she’d never heard that one from a 5-year-old!)

I am introverted. I am struggling with social anxiety and juxtaposing it against a desire to reach out to those hurting and struggling with their own trials.

I struggle to post about relevant topics with a crushing disability of overanalyzing to the point of non-posting.

I desire to impart a Gospel to a world in desperate need while at the same time feeling like a hypocrite for struggling. I have to remind myself daily that I live under God’s grace and mercy and He has new for me each morning. Each morning, He whispers, “You are my daughter!”

I weep when I hear or see a man or woman of God deal with this hurting world with the disingenuous platitudes of the unmerciful servant from Matthew 18. We forget we are forgiven and thus judge a dying world unforgivingly. We refuse to be seen or hang out with the ones who most need it worried we’ll be tainted by their sin. Forgetting that when we were in their place, Jesus sat and communed with us.

RIP Mr Williams

John Keating: We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, “O me! O life!… of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless… of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?” Answer. That you are here – that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

This will remain one of my all time favorite lines of any movie, anywhere! It reminds me to keep speaking life to all I meet. It reminds me to continue loving anyone who crosses my path, no matter the crankiness, bitterness, hurt, mean, whatever. It is the very command we were given by Jesus. Go, love my people as I have loved you.

It saddens me that Robin Williams committed suicide. That he didn’t realize he was loved. He made a difference! It hurts to hear his own children speak about that!

It saddens me that those commanded to love people hurting this level of pain offer nothing more than condemnation and judgement. “How can someone be like that?” “Don’t they know they just need to hand it all over to Jesus?” “Just stop feeling like that!” “He acts so crude and crass, no way he deserves salvation!” “How can he be so selfish?”

This type of tragedy always dregs up so much of the hurt I dealt with after my daughter passed away. People who hurt this deeply do not believe they are worthy of your words of love and kindness. People who hurt this deeply feel useless and a burden.

Mr Williams spent his life on a mission to make sure nobody, nobody anywhere, felt that kind of pain. He spent his life making the world laugh. Making the world happy. Making the world feel the things he desperately wanted to feel.

We don’t wish that on anyone else. We struggle with letting people know there is a struggle. If they see the struggle, they will see the truly unworthy person inside.

I’ve heard Christians say some pretty mean and hurtful things about this. Not all say them intentionally, but the after effect is still the same. It leaves us feeling overwhelmed with guilt and shame. We don’t need more of that, so we remain silent in our struggle.

So, if we don’t believe your words, if medicine isn’t helping, what do you do for those you love struggling?

Make sure your actions back up your words. They speak louder. Make sure they let your loved one know that their unworth is a lie! Quoting scripture is good as long as you don’t just throw the verses in their face and expect them to take it to heart. Countless times has someone told me Psalm 46:10 (Be still and know I am God) without speaking truth to the lie that God doesn’t find me worthy of His love. Make sure your words always speak Truth to the lies. Tell them they are worthy. Tell them they are lovable. Tell them they are for whom God sent His son!

Be positive! Believe it or not, you can actually speak Truth without heaping mounds of guilt upon a person for feeling less than normal. You can speak Truth in LOVE! That doesn’t mean making sure they know that dress makes them look fat. (Just sayin’ it in love, you know.) That’s not Truth. That’s a well-intentioned criticism that rarely gets spoken in private. Truth is Jesus came to give you Hope, Grace, and Mercy! Truth is God loves you so much He sent His son to give His life for you! You have eminent worth! Truth is God loves you in all your messiness and humanity!

Instead of calling them selfish, tell them they mean the world to you! They mean the world to God! The world is a much better place with them in it! Walk them through the lies to the Truth! Gently, mind you! When they tell you they don’t believe you, take them by the hands, look them straight in the eyes, and tell them it all again! That you will repeat it until they believe it.

In the end, we cannot force them to see these things. We can only pray for them, repeat over and over how important they are, and hope they will finally believe they have worth.

The silver lining is people who have been silently struggling, are coming forth and seeking help. Yes, it’s not the best of situations, but God is the same God in the valley that He is on the mountaintop! Don’t allow negativity to prevent someone getting help.

“For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but My steadfast love shall not depart from you, and My covenant of peace shall not be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10 (ESV)

If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800273TALK. Please.

Each year, it gets farther away and yet the pain still catches me off guard.

A friend whose son was born a few short weeks before you celebrates a birthday. I remember holding him and how it felt not you.

I see an obviously new mother and I get gut-punched by her struggle that I didn’t get to experience with you.

Another mother tells her kid that she’ll call the police and give them away. I just want to scream about how some would give everything just to have what they have. Even a crying child is a child. Please appreciate the joyous gift you’ve been given!

This feeling is like a ninja. Coming from nowhere and hitting me without any warning. Not sure if I will ever be prepared for this.

A few years ago, I met a gentleman who on the birthday of his dearly departed 18-year-old son does random acts of kindness. We loved this idea so much and began searching for ways we could do this for you immediately.

This year, as I’ve been doing, I printed out RAOK cards to handout wherever we see an opportunity. One random act for every year you didn’t have. May God grant us the provision to continue as those years accumulate.

Control

Last week, I really tested myself outside the comfort zone of my anxiety. I went for a three day coaching training that goes toward ICF certification. Simple stuff like that is hard enough for less anxious people, but for me, it really took everything.

Having a conversation about this on the way home, Jason was telling me how he doesn’t quite grasp the “out of control” feelings I try to describe to him.

It’s driving along in a car. Out of nowhere, a semi tries to come over into your lane. All of a sudden, you are no longer driving that car. In fact, if your anxiety is large enough, you may not even be in the front seat anymore. In an instant, faster than you can blink, you are in a vehicle hell bent on crashing and no feasible way to force your way back into the driver’s seat.

It doesn’t even have to be a semi that forces you out of that control. It could be you saw an animal on the side of the road and you perceived it was going to run out in front of you. (Notice it doesn’t actually have to run out, just you think it might.)

The irony of all this is you get so caught up in trying to maintain control, you completely lose it.

A new technique I’ve used to halt the progression out of the driver’s seat is to identify the lie my brain is latching onto depending on the situation.

If my brain is telling me there is no control. I start to have a panic attack. However, it is stoppable if I remember 1 Corinthians 14:33 – For God is not [the author] of confusion, but of peace.

God is in control of everything! It is so freeing to not have to worry about the stuff that does not matter.

Oh so many drafts

Part of the anxiety monster is the inability at times to get coherent thoughts outside your own head. Right now, I have ten unpublished drafts just waiting for my brain to translate them into something others would understand.

Starting to write them down has helped some, but I’m still only able to spit out thoughts at random, seemingly without the chance they’ll ever arrange themselves into rationality.

The main issue being the fear that someone will read them. Totally makes sense as a fear since that is the point of putting them out there in the first place. But, if I put them out there, then someone may not like them. If they don’t like them, they may tell me they don’t, and I would have to try to change that because how could anyone not like what I have to say?

It’s a convoluted cycle of apprehensive confidence, fear, guilt, rewrite to better word the thought, repeat the whole thing ad nauseam.

Such is the life of an obsessive-compulsive, anxiety ridden, perfectionist.

I’ve Missed You

Those three words… They pack so much into such a tiny space. Their density can be anywhere from flippant “I noticed your absence” to depths of “I found it hard to breathe without you near.”

The reality when my husband spoke them to me this afternoon was this weekend was the first time in a really really long time that I didn’t feel the weight of a thousand pound anxiety elephant on my chest. I went to a wedding, had coffee and caught up with friends, visited Jay and even spoke actual real words with his dorm mother. For the first time in forever, I didn’t have the wall of gut wrenching fear that I’d say/do something so stupid that those around me would wonder why they had anything to do with me. So long since I felt anywhere near that strong. Those three words told me he’d seen the me I had lost when my world was turned upside down with the loss of my infant daughter.

In the last few years, I’ve had brief respites here and there. Always within the safety of those I knew, but always with the mask of normalcy hiding the sheer terror of other people’s judgement. Each time, my temporary visit with the outside world was rewarded with an intense panic attack when I was on the way back to the safety of home.

I don’t want anyone who’s known me and spent time with me to get me wrong. I love you all, and I know the terror and fear weren’t you, but the lie had been bought and deeply ingrained within my identity and view of God. I was in a pit of depression and anxiety so deep that God merely existed in the outmost reaches. I don’t have the capacity for words great enough to describe how utterly useless and lost I felt.

I still fear that when I speak of where I was someone I love will get offended that I didn’t know how much they cared for me. Please know, from a person struggling with anxiety, it is not that we don’t believe you, it is we don’t deserve it. At least, that is how it was for me. (Other types of anxiety may vary.)

What started the discussion that lead to the three words was Rend Collective’s new album! (LOVE IT!) I was explaining that it was hard to pick a favorite song out of all the songs, but if I were truly honest, Finally Free would have to win out.

I love the imagery they use throughout the album, but with Finally Free it starts out with “Your mercy rains from Heaven, Like confetti at a wedding, And I am celebrating, In the downpour.” Just the beginning of the lovely Gospel story.

The discussion continued. The celebrating lyrics remind me how far I’ve come from that pit. Varying influences in my life mosaically fit together to gently reshape my view of God. He sent daily reminders of my worth in His identity and that there is truly no struggle that even comes close to His size and strength.

“Your heart is wild with color, Like a never-ending summer, You burn away the winter, Of my cold and weary heart.” Winter melting into Spring is one of my favorite things and the imagery fits so well with how my heart felt as the anxiety melted away into God’s eternal Love.

“My soul cries out holy holy, My heart is lost in Your beauty, All hope is found in Your mercy, You paid the price now I am, Finally free.” This covers how joyous and lightweight I feel now. Gone is the thousand pound elephant. I don’t have to carry that anymore. Jesus bought it with Calvary and now my identity is in His strength, beauty, mercy, and grace!

“Your grace oh God’s the anchor, That’s holding me forever, Come trouble or high water, I am steadfast.” I still struggle with anxiety, but I can now rest in the assurance that God’s hand holding me is so much bigger! I went from looking internally to seeing with God’s eyes and the safety is soul enriching!

“Yeah You lift me when I’m sinking, Like the swell of mighty oceans, The power of redemption, Yeah it gives me wings to soar.” I am not a fan of flying, but the feeling when your soul soars above the troubles is amazing! Now when those moments hit and I feel the panic start, I look toward the Cross and know God is my strength.

“We’ll cast our crowns before Him, Like the rustling leaves of autumn, Now every chain lies broken, And finally we’re free!” EVERY chain lies broken!! He’s broken EVERY one! This makes my heart so joyous that it’s like my birthday and Easter every day!! I am no longer held down with grief and guilt. Even though I still have health issues. Even though I struggle with anxiety trying to get the better of me.

I am finally free!